1. Windows 2000
  2. WELCOME TO WINDOWS '98
  3. General Motors
  4. Bill in hell
  5. Windows install code
  6. Spark Windows igang

 

 

Windows 2000

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1.Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
2.Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
3.Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
4.Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
5.Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
6.Close your eyes and press escape three times.
7.Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
8.This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?
9.Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
10.This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please logoff."
11.To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
12.BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
13.COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
14.CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
15.File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
16.Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
17.Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
18.Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
19.WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
20.User Error: Replace user.
21.Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
22.Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
23.If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
24.Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

     

WELCOME TO WINDOWS '98

HAVE YOU UPGRADED YET TO WINDOWS '98??????????????
If you do, here's a preview of the READ ME FIRST page

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c),
the latest version of the world's #1 computer operating
system from Microsoft.

A) Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do
so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological
improvement over Microsoft's previous operating system, Windows 95 (c).
You'll notice immediately that
    * "98" is a higher number than "95,"
    * a better than 3 percent increase.
But that's not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing
computer operating system, (if there are any of course).

Among the improvements: faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models), enhanced "Caps Lock" and
back-space functionality, smoother handling, less knocking and pinging, an easy-to-follow 720-page User's Guide,
and rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box. Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior
compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. We're betting that you'll never use another company's software again.

Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the world's most popular Internet
browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the
freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether it's the one produced by the world's largest and most
trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the "Options" folder, click on the
"time bomb" icon, and select "Load Inferior Browser." A dialog box will ask "Are you sure?" Click "yes." This question may be asked
several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages; just keep clicking "yes." Eventually, the time-bomb icon will
enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. You'll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse
on the time bomb "runs out" and the screen "explodes." If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed
and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be
re-installed- permanently.

Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the "Year 2000" computer problem. As you may know, most computers store
the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem
by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you won't have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the software's internal calendar.
Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as "Satsun," and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months
called "Bill" and "Melissa." Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us
identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether it's your Social
Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a
Microsoft DataShare partner.

We've done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if you're having any problems at all with
you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is
closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we don't hear from you, we'll assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to
the Justice Department. We'll also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American
consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

General Motors

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles/gal."

Recently, General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement, "Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Bill in hell

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell.
After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America,
yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95.
I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women
running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect.
He was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell.
When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves,
being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing
like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place,
with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Windows install code

#include "win31.h"
#include "win95.h"
#include "win98.h"
#include "evenmore.h"
#include "oldstuff.h"
#include "billrulz.h"
#define INSTALL = HARD
char make_prog_look_big[1600000];
void main()
{
    while(!CRASHED)
    {
        display_copyright_message();
        display_bill_rules_message();
        do_nothing_loop();
        if (first_time_installation)
        {
            make_50_megabyte_swapfile();
            do_nothing_loop();
            totally_screw_up_HPFS_file_system();
            search_and_destroy_the_rest_of_OS/2();
            hang_system();
        }
        write_something(anything);
        display_copyright_message();
        do_nothing_loop();
        do_some_stuff();
        if (still_not_crashed)
        {
            display_copyright_message();
            do_nothing_loop();
            basically_run_windows_3.1();
            do_nothing_loop();
            do_nothing_loop();
        }
    }
    if (detect_cache())
        disable_cache();
    if (fast_cpu())
    {
        set_wait_states(lots);
        set_mouse(speed, very_slow);
        set_mouse(action, jumpy);
        set_mouse(reaction, sometimes);
    }
    /* printf("Welcome to Windows 3.11"); */
    /* printf("Welcome to Windows 95"); */


 printf("Welcome to Windows 98");
    if (system_ok())
         crash(to_dos_prompt);
    else
        system_memory = open("a:\swp0001.swp" O_CREATE);
    while(something)
    {
        sleep(5);
        get_user_input();
        sleep(5);
        act_on_user_input();
        sleep(5);
    }
    create_general_protection_fault();
}
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Spark Windows igang

 En gynækolog, en præst og en Windows bruger skulle til Windows 95 Seminar, da bilen pludselig går istå..
Gynækologen siger: Lad os gå ud og åbne for motorhullet, og se på det!
Præsten : Lad os folde vore hænder og håbe at det hjælper.
Windows brugeren: Lad os åbne døren, gå ud lukke døren og gå ind igen.

 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------